how to write a cover letter, with sincerity and depth

Dear Blog,

I have officially begun the process of begging for a job. This is how it usually goes. It starts with a cover letter--and the cover letter must sell---YOU! For example:

Dear godly hiring manager,

I will be attempting to bend over backwards and kiss my own arse in the next four paragraphs to prove I am perfect for the job that 25 other people will also be debasing themselves. In fact, I am in love your sexy startup of a company. In fact, if you pay me enough I might love you. My qualifications are:

1) Rowdy, partying, job avoiding student for 12 years
2) Can do the air guitar, with a full tilt foot twist, even at 30
3) Trouble with clothes, when drinking fermented barley juice
4) Can do the moon walk, forwards and backwards.

In fact, I know I cant even send this letter to your HR people, cause they will surely eat if for dinner, since your company pays them so little. My resume will unfortunetly give them some bad gas from all of the overdone accomplishments. What I will do is hound everyone I know, until I can find where you are hiding. Then, because your are the classic hiring manager, you will be very impressed I found you, as all the rest of the applicants are making the HR people fat, and you have yet to glance at one resume that gets sent there. Good thing I was networking and slept with your daughter years ago.

And now to the final paragraph where I will plant one last kiss anywhere I can get it on you....,mmmmmmmMMMMMMuh! Cant wait to you see you for the interview. Then you will really see my excellent communication skills in action.

Sincerely,

Sapienti Sat


PS. I hope google doesnt find this post for lazy cover letter writers.