sleepless and sanguine

Sleep never comes easy to me. The old mind keeps turning like an old stone wheel, just looking for things to grind through. Tonight, I think of how much freedom I have in my life, compared to the others around me and those I read about.

Without much of a conscious thought, I have chosen a life with almost no tangibles except the clothes on my back and the few utensils I need for modern day appearances. One could take a look at all I dont have and be really disappointed. I have no car, and no car payment. No house, and no mortgage. No stocks, bonds, savings, or rich uncles ready to give me a large inheritance. I'm stuck with just me and am somehow quite content where I am.

I do have college loan debt, which sometimes is the only thing that keeps me working and glued to the spot I am in. I have this dream/fantasy of backpacking around the world, one step at a time while living as a street entertainer to buy food and new colored balls to juggle. Unfortunetly, I can't juggle though. But I still look at the sunsets and wonder why I am not walking toward them.

So I have to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Friends are getting married, friends are having kids, making gardens, and saving for their 401K plans. And somehow none of this appeals to me. I still have the feeling that I just broke free from the graduate student jail I was just in. All I want to do is live in the next land and soak up the experience of it all.

I keep thinking of my move to Germany and what an amazing time and adventure it has all been. I wouldnt trade it for a fat paycheck anywhere in the US. The countries and culture I have seen, the people I have met have put a mirror to my face and shown me how ignorant I am. Not always pleasant, but so interesting to see.

I dont know if I will be moving back to the US after this year or not. Certainly it would be great to see the family and friends more often, and the plus side of actually speaking the language is always appealing, but it seems so boring from every other point of view. I used to think a big cultural shock would be moving from Minneapolis to California, but here I am now contemplating a move to China, even though I would probably be paid on their local pay scale, which is about a fourth of what I would be paid in America or Europe. And Mandarin is no easy language to learn. I hear this from the Germans here, who have lots of experience learning languages, since they all seem to know three languages at the least.

OK, anyway, I have wrote myself tired, which was kind of the point. Good night and when I have more definite plans for my future, I will let you know.