An American's American Adventure

Dear Readers,

I am back from my travels of America. The one and only time I have truly toured America was a college trip to Mexico when I was 19. My friends and I TRIED to reach Mexico, but we broke down in Colorado Springs, CO for 3 out of the 7 days we had off. We told our sob story to whoever would listen in CO and received free pizzas, free rides and free concert tickets from sympathetic natives.

As for this trip across America, it went something like this. I started at Frankfurt, flew to Paris, hopped a plane to Boston, then onto Huntsville, Alabama after which I spent a few days in Douglas, Arizona. From the warm deserts of Arizona I flew to the cold tundra of the Minnesota winter. My body was in shock going from 70 to -20 in a few short hours. From Minnesota, I flew back to the Frankfurt. By my estimates, I flew enough to circle the earth once.

So what did I do in all these cities? In Boston, I stayed high class in a Marriot hotel, generously discounted do to my wonderful mother. I stayed there for 4 days and didn’t do a heck of a lot except some emailing and catching up with old friends while there. I visited the hotel gym once, and was proud of it. That should make up for the all the other nights of beer and chicken wings. They don’t have quite the tasty chicken wings in Germany and I had to get my fix.

Huntsville Alabama I had a job interview. Outside my hotel room window was a blinking Saturn 5 rocket, standing 10 stories tall, looking ready to take off at any moment. (In aside, I cant believe our NEW space program is going to revert back to a Saturn 5 like space program—those geniuses at NASA). The job interview consisted of a seminar and speaking with 7 additional people for an hour at a time. They ask such ridiculous questions that always sound like—Tell me about a time when blah blah blah happened and how did you react to such blah blah blah? I wish they would ask truly creative questions, like how would go about embezzling a million dollars from us? If you could sleep with any of the interviewers—who would it be and why? If you had to chop one limb off, which would it be? Why? Explain how each of the previous questions would benefit the company.

But going on. From Huntsville I flew into Phoenix and took a long drive through the tumbleweeds and cactuses of the Arizona desert right on out to the border of Mexico. I spent three days getting in touch with my new Mexican-in-laws. Things were going great until I was fed a Jalepeno and cheese burrito. I then thought they were trying to kill—death by the twice burning burrito. I even learned some tradition as I watched them buy 30 pounds of meat for a family of 5. Well the family of 5 started to cook and then many families spontaneously showed up through the Mexican snake vine. That’s when the beer started flowing and the Latin Satin Serenaders started singing to all the Senoritas present or not. It was so interesting, I only wished I new some Spanish to sing along. Then maybe some Senoritas would have talked to me too. On the way back to the airport I got some more Mexican heritage riding in van of 16 mexicans, all going to Phoenix. The driver acted like he was running away from the border patrol as he sped down the highway at 80 mph and careened around every corner he could find. You couldn’t find a greater thrill ride for 40 bucks. We did have to stop for the border patrol once and I was forced to prove I was American too. This makes me pass all tests proving I am now married into Mexicana, although my brother in law might disagree on that.

Finally I reach Minnesota, former home of me, where all my wildness can be let loose and everyone expects it. In Minnesota, outdoor sports are the rule, even if the temperature dips below freezing, which it is from October to March. Some people get on cross country skiis, but the lazy mans approach is get on a snowmobile and ride around, usually with a beer in the hand. Well I am a little out of practice, as I kept my brother pretty busy fixing snowmobiles I had formerly ridden, as I rolled one snowmobile twice but only blew up one snowmobile once. Quite the professional am I. I also tried sledding, but found I was too out of shape to run up the snow covered hills with the nieces and nephews. The hills were too long and my legs too short.

For New Years Eve I found my old friends and went to a local disco. A band was playing that specialized in reggae-rock music. I found a few dance partners but found no one to kiss me at midnight, unfortunately. So I called up my parents, woke them up and wished them a happy new year. The rest of the night was spent dancing and meeting new people that wanted to know what living in Germany is like. I like to reinforce every stereotype there is so, I told them I drink warm beer, eat sauerkraut, and get whipped by kinky German mistresses. Well two out of the three isn’t bad anyway.

On the way home, I was accidently bumped up to first class by Delta. I ate crab cakes and slept in a leather Barcolounger while stewardesses kept my white wine brimming full. They even gave me a toiletry kit to use on the airplane, which I am still borrowing. I should have taken the pillow and quilt they gave me too—it was quite cozy, unlike the wash rag for a blanket they give you back in coach. I thought I would use the opportunity to talk to as many of these rich bastards as I could and my seat partner was one of them. He was in the manufacturing of galleries used on airplanes. This involved the use of zzzz zzzzz zzzz zzzzz………..yeah it put me to sleep to. No wonder he gets paid the big bucks as he is the only one anti-narcoleptic on the subject. But he did give me some good vacation ideas in Germany.

A little late though, as all my current plans involve leaving the Vaterland. I accepted the job in Singapore and I leave in the middle of February. I start the depressing actions of getting rid of everything I have accumulated in the past two years. This means putting everything on ebay and watching all your stuff get sold off for pennies on the dollar. All my books have to be given away once again and my cheap but fun artwork carefully packed away. Then on to Singapore—the gateway of Asia where all my adventures with language, culture, and people start all over again.

Singapore should be fun, and the surrounding countries of Indonesia, Malaysia, Phillipines, and Thailand should also be fun to explore. Stay tuned for future installments of my adventures and mishaps.

Happy 2009 to all my readers. May the year bring everything you wish of it, and a new beginning for us all.